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If you have a dispute with someone, make peace with that

person before the sun goes down. – St. Benedict

“Life is an adventure in forgiveness,” Norman Cousins

said. You will, in other words, have lots of opportunity to

practice. Don’t wait too long to start or life will have gone

by before you ever lived it. – Joan Chittister, OSB

Brandon should have been making plans to go to college,

to work, or even just to the movies on the day he died.

Indeed, he could have been in Rock Island, helping his

Aunt Jackie Walsh celebrate her entrance into St. Mary

Monastery. Instead, following the call of an addiction that

had hounded him for years, Brandon shut himself in his

bedroom and accidentally overdosed on heroin, leaving

his family bereft.

In the weeks following Brandon’s death, Jackie worked

through her grief as best she could with the loving and

prayerful support of her new community. One thing kept

nagging her, though: How could the drug dealer – a

murderer - be brought to justice when they had no idea

who he was? How could she go forward without the

satisfaction of knowing he was paying for his crime?

Ultimately, this tragedy illustrates our psychological,

cultural and spiritual need for forgiveness. Why?

Psychologists observe that harboring anger and a desire

for revenge tethers us to the past, where we obsess about

our mistreatment and even plot revenge. Cultural critics

observe that social anger can provoke ongoing retributive

violence on a large scale (think Belfast, the Middle East,

and our own history of race riots). Theologians cite the

mandate of the Bible.

In fact, forgiveness gave Jackie peace.

Forgiveness Defined

Theologians and psychologists tend to tell us what forgiveness

is not more than what it is. It is not, for instance, condoning wrong acts or

absolving the offender of responsibility. It is not accepting continuing to be

hurt. It is not reconciliation (although it might lead to a restoration of relationship and will lead to a restoration of relationship with God).

Forgiveness is an attitude of heart and mind in which

we give up our desire for revenge, and instead try to

offer the offender benevolence, compassion and love.

We give up our feelings of anger, despite the fact that

we are entitled to be angry. We give up our obsession

and begin to seek peace.

“The Shack (by Wm. Paul Young) does a wonderful job

of expressing in wise and Biblical ways what happens

during forgiveness,” Sr. Helen Carey says. “Mac begins

to find peace as he works to forgive the man who

committed a horrendous crime against him. Grudges

gnaw away at us. They change us into grumpy and

critical people. They can define us.”

Reconciling with God

Conversely, forgiveness can define us. For one thing, it

delivers a host of personal benefits to those who forgive, from

lower blood pressure to less stress and anxiety. But practicing

forgiveness defines us as Christians as well, as it tends and

mends our relationship with God.

Sr. Helen offers another example.

“I used to visit a man who was on death

row for murder,” she says. “Over the years,

through lots of counseling and evangelizing

by prison chaplains, Adam (not his real

name) was able to begin working through

his own feelings of social alienation and

anger. Shortly after he was baptized he said,

I beg God every morning to forgive me and

help me forgive myself.”

Sr. Helen says the families of the dead men

denied permission to Adam to write to them of his repentance,

but that hasn’t deterred him from continuing down his own path

to forgiveness from – and reconciliation with – God.

“We are called to relationship with God directly and through

others,” Sr. Helen says. “In seeking to practice forgiveness,

we can’t always re-establish relationship or reconciliation with

others. Adam is denied reconciliation with the families, but God

grants it unconditionally.”

That is, reconciliation with God is the fruit of forgiveness and the

source of peace.

Fostering Habits of Holy Living

Although being asked for forgiveness may make granting it

easier, we often are faced with at least seemingly unrepentant

offenders. Loved ones say hurtful things. Colleagues trample on

us. Someone cuts us off in traffic. Or, more chillingly, we are

victims of unidentified criminals.

“Forgiveness must be embodied in a way of life, a life marked

by specific practices that enable us to unlearn patterns of sin, to

repent for specific sins, and to foster habits of holy living,” L.

Gregory Jones writes in Embodying Forgiveness: A Theological

Analysis. “For Christians, forgiveness is not simply an action, an

emotional judgment, or a declarative utterance – though Christian

forgiveness includes all those dimensions. Rather, forgiveness

is a habit that must … involve attending to the particularities of

each person’s life story… .”

The particularities of each person’s life story provide ample

information for understanding (not excusing) why they do what

they do. To wit, their own undisclosed hurt might cause our loved

ones to lash out at us, our colleagues to undervalue us and the

guy in the next lane to cut us off. Although Adam’s crime was

on a different scale, his own life story – perhaps studded with a

childhood of abuse and neglect – might soften our hearts.

Remember, Jesus Christ - who surely understood the life stories

of his killers - implored God to forgive them for they knew not

what they did.

Healing Our Hearts and Souls

Perhaps one of the most famous examples of forgiveness for

Americans occurred following the shooting of 10 Pennsylvania

Amish schoolgirls in 2006. By sundown, the grieving families

had offered flowers, food and forgiveness to the gunman’s

widow and children. In fact, the Amish take so seriously Jesus’

command to forgive that they are prepared to forgive before an

offense even takes place.

“Life in the Spirit and hope for the future begins with healing,”

write Tad Guzie and John McIlhon in The Forgiveness of Sin,

“with forgiveness of a past which so easily immobilizes us and

cripples the future.”

The Amish response of forgiveness helped birth healing not only

in themselves, but in the widow, the children and the parents of the

gunman. To this day, according to a recent article in Newsweek,

the gunman’s family remains in loving relationship with the Amish

families.

Jackie Walsh understands. Although she will

never know the drug dealer or his family

– and not be able to let them know of her

forgiveness – she has found healing within

herself.

“It has softened my heart to pray for the

dealer,” Jackie says. “I pray he has a change

of heart and gets help. I know there will be

no incarceration for him. I know there won’t be closure. But

forgiving him lifted a tremendous burden. It lifted the burden

of anger and restored my ability to focus on God and living a

Christ-like life. It gave me peace. And has it been easier to sleep

at night? Oh, absolutely.”